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I really want to write a fanfic where R2 just says, fuck this when Bail, obi-wan and Yoda plan to separate the twins. He then convinces C3P0 to help him kidnap the babies, reasoning that raising two children cant be that hard, humans do it all the time.
They are like okay money wise because in this universe Anakin totally gave R2 his bank account info (which Padme made for him). R2 is a little confused about why there ends up being being so much money in it, seeing as he thinks Anakin is dead but ends up shrugging it off. So they just spend the next 10 years flying around the galaxy, raising the baby Skywalkers.
Luke totally spends at least one year speaking only in binary. Leia knows more languages then any one child should ever know. Both twins are highly offended by the existence of restraining bolts.
Then one year Vader has like a lackey like doing his taxes or something and the lackey is like “uh lord Vader do you know what these monthly withdraws from you bank account dating back ten years are about” and Vader is like what the fuck.
So Vader decides to go after who is committing Identity fraud reasoning that the only people who would have Anakin Skywalker’s bank info would be someone he wanted to track down anyway. Meanwhile poor Obi-wan has been trying to track the twins down for ten years, and is just so fucking tired.
Then both of them catch up with the group at the same time and shit goes down.
I can just picture it. Vader sees the ship, the Nubian cruiser (R2 totally stole Padme’s ship) and just stops because that’s Padme’s ship. Could it be? Could she be alive? And he rushes to the ship, full of hope, streaching out with the Force to see if he can feel her and what does he sense?
Obi-Wan.
Now Obi-Wan has been tracking the droids and the twins for 10 years and he looks like a proper spacer (he’s had to to blend in and avoid the Inquisitors) and he’s finally found them (He will never make another loose wire joke again in his life), and there’s VADER and he’s frantic.
And so Vader thinks Obi-Wan has been keeping his wife from him. And Obi-Wan thinks Vader has found out about the twins so in the middle of this seedy docking ring they draw sabers and fight only to be interrupted by R2 who is just DONE. You hear me? He is just DONE with organics and their stupid malfunctioning logic circuits. He has raised the twins with 3PO for 10 years and they’ve done a damn good job and he’s already watched this fiasco once on a lava planet and he is NOT WATCHING IT AGAIN. It is not good for the children. Their circuits are impressionable at this age. He doesn’t want them glitching. L0-K3 and L3-1A are his babies. He is not having them hurt.
So armed with is zapper and extending his little arms he rushes down the gangplank, swearing up a storm while 3PO stands guard over the children and keeps them from watching the fight. He screams at both me, tears into them like no ones business.
And Obi-Wan is just like, what the hell is going on? Am I being yelled at by a droid?
And Vader who understands binary staggers in shock when he hears what R2 his saying. There are children. Padme had children, twins! He has twins and while Padme’s “processor has failed” R2 and 3PO have raised and protected his children and Vader and Obi-Wan better knock it off or ELSE!
Vader turns to Obi-Wan in horror. “They’ve been raised by droids all this time?” he roars. “Those two can barely go to the market to buy fruit without disaster striking!”
“Don’t blame me!” Obi-Wan shouts back, at the end of his rope. “They’re your droids! They kidnapped the children after you decided being a Sith was a good life choice! I’ve been trying to find them this whole time and I would have found them sooner but you’ve been hunting me across the whole blasted galaxy!”
Meanwhile the twins (not being dumb) realize something is up and while they care too much about 3PO to just force their way past him, they do start up the engines and turn the weapons over to target the two of them to protect R2 from their lightsabers.
The comm system crackles and a young girl’s voice commands both of them to drop their weapons and put their hands up unless they want to be blasted to dust.
Vader is both furious and strangely proud. He clips his lightsaber to his belt and raises his hands and asks to be let on board to talk.
Obi-Wan just knows that training the Skywalker twins to be the new generation of Jedi got a lot more interesting.
@copperbadge
I would read an entire goddamn fic about this PLEAZE
Imagine having flashbacks of C3P0 with baby luke trying to get at the controls while baby Leia almost at the weapons storage and R2D2 just getting back from getting spare parts cause Luke managed to break something (again). All the crazy adventures of the 2 droids trying to keep the twins from hurting themselves or attacking the local peoples
@the-last-hair-bender
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